Accepting or Rejecting Generosity

Accepting or Rejecting Generosity

Today is a partly cloudy Friday near 11am as I sit here waiting for some afternoon baseball at 2pm. As you guys know, I am a huge sports fan and the last week or so there has not been much on during the afternoons, so this will kinda be a treat for me. My rituals at night are to watch the NBA playoffs so there is no lack of sports in the nighttime. And with today being Friday, there is also boxing tonight too…hot damn.

I wanted to kinda talk to you about something I need to work on, but before I do I got an email today from a guy that has been reading my blogs, and he commented on my “Mother’s Day” blogs. If you have not had the chance to read those, jump back about 4 blogs or so can read it. It’s a two-parter, so you don’t want to start reading on the second one before the first.

I wrote that about a year ago and posted it on every prison support site I was writing for at the time. If I am correct, it was Prison Talk, Prisonville, Prisonsupport, Mothers with sons in prison and Prisoners of Love. There may have been one or another, but I cannot remember.

The responses I got from it were tremendous, I would easily say several thousand people read that story and I had a ton of great comments from each site. The guy who emailed me today told me how much he appreciated it, and how it really touched him. I actually had a number of people make comments on how it brought tears to their eyes. I’ll be honest with you, I almost did the same as I wrote it.

That sounds kinda funny but it may show how much I am really putting into my writings. I wanted to share my heart with you guys, if that is what it will take to help. So as I wrote that, I remembered many situations I felt myself, and was able to mix it in with fiction to make a colorful story. Only I know what was real in that story and what was slightly embellished. But trust me, the emotions in it were quite real.

Anyway, the reader also told me he understood about my printing problems, and suggested an upgrade to a laser printer. I agree. Right now I am working with an HP deskjet 920c and is has served me quite well. Imagine how many pages it has printed, how many prison cards it made for me, how many prison encouragement certificates it printed, and all the other stuff I used it for? It’s been through a writer’s hell.

But I realize to be more efficient, I am going to need a newer, better, and faster printer. I mean, if one person asks me for my “Grades of Honor” book, then I can print that, no problem. If someone asks for the first and second book, no problem. Even if you ask for all 3 books, no problem.

But what if 20 people ask for a book? What if they ask for all 3 books? What if they ask for all 3, plus my upcoming prison blog book?

(yeah, I should BE so fortunate)

But it can happen, and as I get more readers it is going to happen. If so, then this printer I have will be too slow to help me get the things I need done. This is one of the reasons I try to sell my books and cards and the like, as well as ask for support. My computer isn’t ancient, and my printer does work fine, but if I am going to be in the position to serve more people, I see now that I need to upgrade.

If I am only serving 10 people, then what I have is fine…but as I continue to write, and as more people stumble across my blogs, I am going to need to be more efficient in what I do. So my friend is right, I do need to upgrade and look and see what a laser printer can do for me, and how to find the right printer that can print double sided pages without snatching two pages at the same time.

I need to upgrade.

But in that I also see that I also need to upgrade my thinking too. I think one of my problems with what I am doing is that I am almost fighting against generosity. That sounds weird to hear me say that but if I may, let me share this with you.

I understand clearly now that for me to do what I am doing, for me to continue to write blogs and help people understand about prison, it must be supported financially. There is no two ways about it. If I am going to commit as much time as it takes to write these blogs, answer emails and work on my projects, there has to be a source of support.

See, this is something I was chewed out for by LostVault, and other sites, because they seem to think that when you are charitable, it must be absolutely free. In many aspects there is truth, but to give something, you must have a source to be ABLE to give. I wrote for a few years for numerous sites before I realized that if I am going to continue to help, I need financial support.

And I’ll be kinda frank with you, I actually prayed about it…and don’t go getting all religious on me, I ain’t perfect, but I am smart enough to know that there is a God who apparently cares about us. I wondered if I was being “greedy” or “self centered” by asking for support. The answer seemed to be quite simple:

How else are you going to get what you need?

See, a lot of people think that me asking for support is self centered, when I should be concerned about helping. LostVault criticized me about trying to sell my books when at the same time, she made very clear how much financial suffering she took trying to help people. Hey, don’t blame me, God didn’t tell you to suffer, you chose to do that yourself.

If you are doing something that is helpful to others, then you are showing the love of God, and if so, I am pretty sure that God is going to make sure that your needs are met so you can CONTINUE to help others. I don’t think God ever told someone to do something charitable with the expectation of going broke or living in poverty. If it is a good thing you do, then I believe God is going to support it, and that means having the finances to do it.

I think LostVault was confused in thinking that what they were doing in suffering for the Lord was a good thing. But it’s the same reasons many other prison support sites fell down…because they never got the financial support to keep going.

With me, I focused on writing books and making cards to create a support for what I did. As people supported my writings, I could upgrade and do more and better things for those who may need me. It was a very necessary transition that many people completely forget when we talk about charitable efforts.

Let me give you an example. When I got out of prison in 2001, I was on probation for 3 years, and one of the conditions of it was 100 hours of community service. I was sent to a local food shelter to help prepare food for the hungry. I met a very, very nice lady, and found out that she knew my family and I actually went to school with her son.

I worked with the lady by sorting out all the food during the week, and preparing what will be served on Saturday and Sunday. She used her own house, a two-story home, to serve meals to the homeless and the hungry. I had never participated in serving food to the hungry before, so this was kinda new to me, but I saw how much this lady cared about the community.

I worked with her as often as I could during that time, and I saw what it took for her to do what she did. Obviously she did not charge anybody to come and eat; anyone was welcome to come in and eat as much as they wanted. As a guy on probation, I helped prepare the food, served it, and cleaned up. That was my job, and I was not paid for it. That was fine because this was a necessary thing for me to do.

But I saw that even though the act of serving free meals to the hungry was a free service, it still cost money to make it happen. The lady’s home needed bills to be paid, she had to pay for gas to get around town to pick up the food that some grocery stores donated, she had to buy ingredients to make the meals.

This is what most people miss. They think that just because the service was free, then it costs nothing to operate. That is not true at all. That lady put a lot of effort in this work because she cared about people, and she was suffering from diabetes at the time. Yet she was not paid for what she did, and sometimes there was the question about where the money would come from.

Folks, it costs money to be charitable.

I understand that now, and sadly she no longer has that food shelter. She ran into some financial troubles and could not maintain the building. That is extremely sad because on the walls of that house were NUMEROUS plaques and certificates and awards of things she did for the community. This lady was damn near a saint.

But lack of financial support eventually took the charity away.

So when somebody like LostVault tries to tell me some half-baked idea of how I am being greedy, they can stick it. It takes support to help others, and if there is no support, your best efforts to help others won’t last long.

And see, I KNEW that, but I found myself judging myself when I asked for support. So many times I ask readers to support me if they feel I am doing something positive, and I have been getting some support. But sometimes I tend to back off, thinking “maybe I’m not worthy of it”. I mean, I don’t want to mislead anyone.

And that bothers me. In fact, the other day I got a reader who asked how much for my 3 “Grades of Honor” book. Now for the record, each book is $25 and I always send extras with it like cards or a prison encouragement certificate, but sometimes when I get a new reader, I feel like I have to prove myself; sometimes I feel that I am not worthy.

And when I get that way, sometimes I don’t tell them on the first email the cost, I try to give them time to “think it over”. Again, I don’t want anyone to think I am misleading them.

I think that maybe if I can email them and help them out, then after a few emails they will know that they can trust me. I did that with a reader who asked about my books… in fact I have done it many times.

I am afraid of disappointing people, and sometimes I question myself and what I do. What if they don’t like my books? I want to help, but what if they aren’t seeing things the way I do? Then I would have failed in helping someone.

When that happens, then I tend to shy away, not wanting to sell the book on the first request. Don’t get me wrong, I WANT to sell you my books, but I want you to believe in me first, then request the books. I want to win you over so you can know that I am really trying to help. If I can accomplish that, then I will feel more comfortable selling you my books or receiving your support.

I really think if I had just accepted the generosity when it was first given, I would be in a better financial situation than I am now, but I just felt that maybe I wasn’t “worthy”.

When I restarted these blogs a few months ago, I prayed for God to find readers that could trust me and support my writings. I needed finances so I could not only be able to upgrade, but to also be more comfortable in sharing what I could. I needed financial support because without it, I could not do these blogs. And thankfully enough, it started happening. People started reading my blogs and participating. People started saying to me, “I want to send you a gift”, or “I want to buy your books”. It was working, but sometimes I backed off it, afraid that someone will not be pleased with what I am doing and think I am scamming them.

Folks, that scared me.

And I remember more than once me thinking, “Lord, I need your help to support my writings or else I can’t do it; I need the participation and support of readers to help encourage me to keep writing”.

And embarrassingly, I was reminded that I WAS getting that support, but I kept refusing the generosity. Several people emailed me and told me how much they liked my blogs and some asked what they needed to do to support me. All I had to do was give them my address to send a gift to, or give them the costs of my books, but more times than not, I didn’t.

I didn’t feel that I was worthy.

Mind you folks, I really wanted to accept their gifts, but I just didn’t feel like it was “righteous”. I felt that it was more noble to just refuse the gift unless they kept insisting to give it to me.

It was brought to my attention that being “noble” was also stupid.

Here I am, trying to create financial support for my writings, worrying about this and that, praying to the Lord for help…and I get exactly what I asked for…then REFUSE it.

I am such a jerk.

It was vanity that was telling me, “hey, don’t take their money, you’re an ex felon so you deserve to suffer. If you suffer by helping others, then God will love you more”.

But my heart said, “you idiot, you are having people email you asking to give you money because they BELIEVE in you, and you are turning them away, or delaying the act of kindness. You asked for support, and there it is, what do you gain by turning it away?”

What if a homeless person came to that food shelter, starving for a good hot meal, but felt burdened because they didn’t feel “worthy”? What if that person used drugs in the past, and maybe spent some time in jail. This person has nothing to his name, and desires only to partake in the free invitation to a hot meal.

What if that person walked up to the front door, and just as he was invited in, said to the host, “I can’t go in, I don’t deserve it.”

“It’s not about whether you deserve it or not, I offer it to you”

“No, I can’t. I am just not worth”.

How would you feel if a person was refusing your kindness, but you KNEW he needed it? It could be frustrating I can imagine. I think maybe God might have felt that way with me a bit, in that I clearly had people wanting to support me, but sometimes I try to make sure that they are ok with me and that they could trust me. I was afraid that they would not like me after they sent me a gift.

But I needed support and participation. It’s what I asked for, and I got it. Simply put, it takes money to make cards, certificates, books, and it takes time to write blogs and other writings. If that time is supported financially, it makes it much easier for me to continue to do what I do. If on the other hand, there is no support, then the labor of love turns into a burden, one that will eventually fail.

I understand that now.

So I guess I need to formally ask you guys to bear with me, some of you have asked how to support me, and I kinda tried to ignore it until I felt that I had gotten to know you a little better by emails. I just didn’t want to disappoint you being that I am already 2 and a half strikes down anyway, being an ex felon and all. And it does not help that I am not wanted on prison support sites or pen pal sites of the sort.

I’m not a very popular guy because of who I am, even in prison support circles.

But I know that I can help you understand how to cope with a loved one in prison, I KNOW that I can share words of encouragement, I KNOW I can help if you give me a chance. But I also know that it takes support, and I can’t keep acting “noble” by thinking that a refusal of generosity is a good thing. It’s vanity.

So I am asking you guys to work with me ok? If you ask me about my books or ask me how you can support my writings, don’t be offended if I don’t answer it on the first email. I am working on it and I’d love to say on any email, “if you feel like you want to send me a gift, send it to…”. I want to be able to say that without reserve of “being selfish”.

I’ve got to learn to accept the generosity that people give me, or I will lose it. And I don’t want to lose that, or my readers.

Oh well, I gotta go, please email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com and ask how you can support me, or about my books. Trust me guys, it comes in handy, and maybe soon I can buy a new computer and a new printer. That trip to the islands will have to wait a few more months though….